I found such joy and freedom here on WordPress several months ago. I was on here all the time, every day. There was going to be an outlet for my writing, and it was so inspiring.
But my soul was slowly suffocating. And I let go of all the things that fuel me, that bring me any kind of happiness. Depression has ravaged my will, and it presses down on my chest and shoulders each day. Even now it feels like I’m going to make this declaration and it will change nothing for me.
I have worked so hard against this for years, for my entire life. I’ve fooled myself into believing that my willpower was enough–that I could stop hating myself, that I could love myself and take care of myself. But these were all Steps 2, 3, and 4. I missed Step 1. For me, I now know I need medication. My issue is a chemical imbalance I know it is. I can climb and climb against this but this illness is a glass ceiling that will inhibit me from going any higher. It will knock me down again and again.
So I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment, and I’m going to start blogging and writing again even if it’s shit. I need to live, not float through my life.
In an effort to connect myself and feel less hidden I’ve removed my pen name from my blog on WordPress and from my Tumblr. I was once Mandi O’Bryan on here, if anyone remembers me. But not anymore. I’m Becca. Just Becca. And I’m going to love that from now on.
I appreciate anyone that took
the time to read this.
♥ Becca N.