Why is anger so easy to come by? Has there ever been a shortage of anger? Nope! I know this, because damn have I been angry all day. There are certain people who can really spark my anger–I am talking instantaneous combustion. Even as an adult, my father is the one who makes me the most angry.
What is it with parents? Am I doomed to forever be one of those people who blame all of their issues on their parents? But this always sends me into a spiral anyway, because technically, aren’t they responsible for most of them? I digress. Having known the man that is my father my entire life, I’d like to think I have a good handle on his personality. I know what makes him tick. First and foremost, my father is always right.
The older I get, unfortunately, the more I learn. The more I learn, unfortunately, the more I see him talk confidently about things he has no idea. I am frequently witnessing him talk on subjects that I understand, and so I know that he is completely wrong. The natural response would be to inform a person that they are wrong, right? Not to rub it in their face, but rather so that they have the correct information…right? I would want the correct information! This is why I struggle to relate to him these days–my father doesn’t want the correct information.
In fact, even the correct information is still wrong. In fact, you are wrong for trying to act like you know more than him. No matter what, you lose. So the anger you feel gets internalized, it has nowhere to go. What then?
Why even feel the anger at all? Sometimes you don’t, other times it rages into existence like a charging train. And what about his anger? What does it do to you? So then what? All of these explosions of emotions slamming against one another, and then where do they go? Sometimes I feel as if anger shaves little slivers of my soul away each time I get mad about the same damn thing.
Sometimes I can cling to peace, sometimes I succumb.
Today, I succumbed, and I’m tired.
♥ Becca N.